Modern Jedi NLP Mind Mastery

Archive for April, 2008

Hey fellow Modern Jedis,

Just got an e-mail from Aaron in Ohio who’s been helping co-workers and a men’s group at his church using Modern Jedi NLP tools and techniques. Check out what he has to say:

Hi Mark,

I have been using your tools, mostly in talking to coworkers to help them with fear.

I have been studying NLP going on 3 years through books and cd’s. I love your Modern Jedi out look, because as a star wars fan thats exactly what it feels like. I tell everyone at my job to join your web site.

If I could I would like to tell you what I do with what I’ve learned. The church I attend has a mens drug & alcohol program. My pastor asked me if i would be interested in giving the guys weekly bible studies. I jumped on the chance, because i felt like I had something that these guys could use to overcome their addiction for good. The challenge I had was how to teach nlp (without anyone knowing) and make it look like bible study.

To make a long story short nlp is all through the bible because its about people, taking action or not taking action. The guys love what i teach because i answer the question of why they do what they do, and show them how they can change it.

Well thanks for reading, I really look forward to the e mails in the morning,

peace & grooviness,

Aaron.

P.S. sorry if this e mail seems a little run on, but honestly this is the first e mail i have EVER sent someone like yourself. I really just wanted you to know that your touching lives all the way in ohio. thanks again Mark. God bless.

For me, this kind of letter just charges me up and motivates me even more to do my utmost to get this powerful bag of tools and techniques I call “Modern Jedi Mind Mastery” out into the world. This week I’ve had letters from Armenia, Ohio and closer to home here in Connecticut.

I’ll be sharing more as they come in. Thanks so much Aaron for taking the time to share your experiences.

That’s it for today’s post. As always I’d love to hear from you as well. Join the conversation and make a comment here on the blog (see link or box below)

Mark

Hey Folks,

Just so you know that we are not alone here in the USA where millions suffer from anxiety and panic attacks, read this letter I got from Inga in Armenia.

—– Original Message —-
From: Inga M.
To: mark@markshepard.com
Sent: Sunday, April 27, 2008 1:56:04 PM
Subject: A comment I want to share.

Dearest Mark,
God knows I was looking for someone to finally HELP me with my fear and anxiety! And I finally found you!!!!!!!! Please read until the end!!! My problem appears to be the same as you had experienced in the past. I have a singing anxiety and a VERY STRONG ONE!! The thing is, I have been singing in a choir for more than 10 years and there is nothing I enjoy more in my life!!

You might think I have anxiety during our concert performances. Nothing of the kind! I’m fine there, maybe only a little nervous at the start and just before going to the stage, but then I regain my normal breath and simply enjoy singing. (though it wasn’t always like that, but I really can’t analyze and tell you what helped me to cope with this one I used to have)

Now my current problem is more trivial than you can think…. It’s the daily routine rehearsals that we have 4 days a week. Whenever the conductor works on a certain piece that our sopranos do not sing very well, e.g. there’s a tone problem, or something is wrong with the color, or the phrase is not smooth enough, (I’m sure you know what I am talking about)

So, just when she is not satisfied with our singing she starts asking to sing the same “tricky” phrase ONE BY ONE to spot the guilty one! I am supposed to be one of the leading voices and when we sing all together, like a choir, I’m singing with all my strength and emotions.

BUT when she starts asking me to sing solo……..that’s where my heart starts beating 200 per minute, I sweat, get red in the face, gasp, there’s a terrible spasm in my throat and I simply can’t make a sound! Then she just insists on me singing and I finally make some croaking sound and she gets frustrated and asks me to do it again and again and everybody is listening very attentively in silence….

This is simply horrible! I know you told me I must not TALK about my experience, cause this makes things even worse. And you are 100% right!!

I was so excited as I was going through your videos!

click here to see How to “Stop Anxiety In 10 Minutes or Less”

And when you actually reached the point where you were giving the secret I gasped with hope….. Now, I’m finally going to know the secret that will put an end to all my miserable feelings!!! Dearest Mark! I don’t know why, but it just didn’t work with me! NOT AT ALL!!!

You are asking at the beginning if I have that sour feeling in my mouth and more saliva as I am imagining cutting a juicy lemon, YES! I clearly had more saliva and the sour taste in my mouth! That part was incredible! I got your point very clearly!

But as you went on explaining how I should go 15 minutes into the future and then look back at me having sung successfully….. I don’t know maybe my fear is SO strong that it blocks my imagination whatsoever! I can’t imagine myself singing well when I am sitting there and the conductor goes: Inga please, now it’s your turn to sing!

Oh, Mark, I do wish with all my heart that I could do as you are telling me, but I’m trying and nothing happens, Just blank mind….

I can FEEL that what you are saying simply changes many people’s lives! BUT not mine! Why??? I’m so desperate! Please help me with more advice!!!!

Very sincerely your patient
Inga M.

Here’s my reply:

Dear Inga,

You’re right, I can totally relate to your solo singing experience. Remind me to tell the story of how I “tried” to play French horn once in church and got so nervous nothing would come out except very embarrassing “fart” noises… )

The anxiety technique is, as I pointed out in the video series, “the cherry on top.” It’s a technique we usually use at the end of a full day of clearing techniques where we:

1. apply a whole series of linguistically designed questions to loosen the problem
2. further loosen the problem by eliciting and interrupting the underlying strategy, the “how do you do it” process.
3. clear negative emotions using time line therapy
4. clear the root cause event or limiting decision or limiting belief system underneath the problem.
5. do the fast phobia model
6. do swish patterns and anchoring
7. do EFT
8. do the anxiety technique
9. do hypnosis

Unfortunately sometimes the negative “knee-jerk” response is so intense that you need to work 1 on 1 but it’s usually worth it because we often end up clearing the root cause of this challenge which no doubt has shown up in other areas of your life even though in the other areas it doesn’t trigger quite as intense a reaction.

One thing you can do immediately is speak to your director in private and explain the problem. You have a right to not be put on the spot and be made miserable. Your director’s intention is obviously to make the performance stronger and better. Not worse.

If she wants your voice in her choir she has to be willing to be a flexible communicator and learn how to work with you as well.

A couple of Modern Jedi NLP beliefs:
a. The meaning of our communication is the results or response we get.
b. There is no failure only feedback.

The feedback for your director is that this particular technique of putting you on the spot is not creating the result she wants. The feedback for you is that something needs attention.

To keep her from getting defensive use the feedback sandwich which I discussed in last week’s blog post at
basically,

1. Postive statement: “I love being in this singing group. I love to sing and I love contributing. I truly value your leadership and your desire to encourage us to sing our best.”

2. Constructive comment: “AND when you single me out It triggers some really deep fear and panic that I’m working on but I’m not yet able to control. It totally freaks me out and I can tell it frustrates you and embarrasses everybody. Is it possible to rehearse in some other way so that for the time being, while I’m working on clearing this, I can avoid being put on the spot?”

3. General positive statement: “Again, I really enjoy singing with this group under your
direction. And I so appreciate your sensitivity to this. It means a lot etc.”

something like that.

Another thing you can try immediately is to go out a lot further into the future and look back at having resolved this issue. Also make sure you are up above your time line looking down as an observer. Whether you are looking through or own eyes or seeing yourself through the eyes of an observer is crucial.

It often helps to shrink the other person (or people) involved in the situation down and make yourself huge like the jolly green giant. Be sure to pull the imaginary camera back so you see yourself as an observer towering over the director and the other choir members. See and hear and feel yourself singing so powerfully and joyously that the mountains tremble! I wouldn’t suggest that you see the other choir members trembling as well and being totally intimidated and admiring of you but if it helps go for it.

If you are serious about clearing this problem and turning the “solo” moment into something you look forward to because it’s your chance to show off and earn the admiration and respect of your fellow singers, let me know and we can set up an appointment to work 1 on 1.

( Note: I had no Idea she was writing from halfway around the world)
- Mark

p.s. may I have permission to share your story so that other’s can learn and benefit from your experience?

Inga’s reply

Dear Mark,
THANK YOU SO MUCH for answering my letter,you are really helping me a lot already!!!! I truly appreciate it! Now I see why it didn’t work for me the fist time . Because I was not prepared! You are doing lots and lots of things during the sessions that I believe are truly effective!

I do wish I could come and join your group or even take your wonderful one on one course of therapy! That would be great, ànd thank you very much indeed for offering me help! But the thing is, I’m living far away, in Armenia, Yerevan and this makes the whole thing impossible!

But what I really intend to do is I am going to follow all your “cool stuff” and read all the newsletters that you give on the site and listen to your great songs and practice what I learned from you and remain your very very grateful patient!

P.S. And of course you can share my story with others! I don’t mind at all!
THANK YOU ONCE AGAIN FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART!
Inga.

What is most important from Inga’s experience is that

1. Often the experience of anxiety or panic or phobia is extremely specific. It may happen in only certain conditions and not others. In this case, Inga can sing fine in a concert but not when singled out to perform solo under the critical eye of the director.
2. Once the right conditions are met it triggers an intense physiological reaction that is beyond the control of conscious, logical thinking process.
3. Often just talking about it can recreate the negative experience which is why I don’t recommend talk therapy for this (Nothing against talk therapy just not for phobias or panic attacks because it can actually strengthen the negative reaction).
4. One really good technique, like the one I walk people through on my clearfear.com site ( click here to see How to “Stop Anxiety In 10 Minutes or Less” ) is often enough to totally change the experience. BUT sometimes we need help outside of ourselves in the form of a coach or therapist or fellow NLP student to enable us to get the distance or leverage needed to clear the deeper underlying causes and triggers.

In the Modern Jedi NLP training my team and I have all been through our own versions of hell and have each used NLP to clear our stuff. There have been times when I called each of my students and had them help ME clear stuff I was having trouble clearing on my own. They’ve helped each other as well.

That is why I’m so damned passionate about creating a community of practitioners here in Connecticut as well as across the USA and around the world.

Please forgive me if I quote my own lyrics:

Can’t do it by myself
So I’m asking for your help
Together we can change the world
Together we can change the world…

Thanks Inga for being willing to share your story and your challenges so freely.

-Mark

p.s. I’m intently at work on creating several multi media NLP lessons that I can hopefully put up on the web in the next few weeks that will give you more tools you can use whether you take the Modern Jedi NLP training in July or not. I’ll set them up so you can do them on your own or with a friend.

p.p.s Please join the conversation and leave your thoughts and comments below!

Ah… the challenges we face as we attempt to communicate with each other in ways that actually get results… the results we want that is.

Recently someone near and dear to me was upset by something I did.

I checked my e-mail just before going to bed and zap! I suddenly found myself feeling really angry. In NLP when something suddenly and intensely changes our state, we call it a negative anchor or a trigger. When we find ourselves reacting to something with a lot of emotion (above a 5 on a scale of 1-10) it it usually triggering some old stuff from childhood. I was feeling anger at about a 9.

BTW this is a little ironic because since using Time Line to clear my anger (along with fear and other old toxic emotions) I can now actually FEEL anger whereas before I stuffed it and it collected and built up without acknowledging or resolving it. I know that may be a bit confusing but I don’t have time to explain it right now. I promise to address this in future posts. Suffice it to say that now I feel anger and can usually express it constructively so it doesn’t build up.

Anger is a perfectly normal response when we feel our boundaries have been violated.

I’m sure my friend was angry at me. He TRIED to give me feedback. He really did his best. I know his intention was positive. It’s just the WAY he did it that triggered MY anger.

Have you ever tried to give someone feedback only to have them get all angry and defensive? You really want to help them but the more you try to communicate your insights and helpful suggestions the more they want to strangle you?

Or perhaps you have more experience with it being the other way around and wanting to strangle the well meaning supervisor, colleague, teacher or parent that is giving you the feedback.

In business feed back is usually given like this:

Manager: I really love the way you went after the Jorgenson account and made the sale, but, you really need to spend more time cold calling….

Parent: Honey you got 3 “A’s” on your report card but what about this “D” in math?

The person receiving the feedback will always focus on the last statement. In addition, we are often not conscious that the word “But” functions to negate what’s been previously said. So typically the salesperson or the student ends up muttering to themselves that no matter what improvements they make the boss or parent just notices the negative so why even bother trying to improve…

Example: “This soup tastes good but it’s a bit salty…” The statement following “but” negates the statement before “but”. So the real meaning received by the cook is “The soup is not good.”

What happens when we flip it?

“This is soup is salty but it tastes good…”
The cook is focused on the soup tasting good with some helpful input into making it taste even better next time by adding less salt.

“You need to make more cold calls but, you landed the Jorgensen account.”
The sales person is focused on the fact that he accomplished bringing in the new account and can take positive action to bring in even more business.

“You got a “D” in math but look at these three “A’s”.
The student is focused on the three “A’s” with an acknowledgment that math needs some attention. Needing to improve the math does not detract from the legitimate successes of getting the 3 “A’s”

So “but” can be used positively but it often isn’t )

Here’s what happened.

my friend wrote:

I love that you are [reference to something that I did], BUT [several things that he objected to followed by a REQUEST (it felt like a demand) to undo what I did ]

Despite my training. I totally fell into a defensive belligerent knee-jerk reaction. (For you EFT practitioners out there, I was tapping on – “Even though I feel defensive and belligerent, why do I deeply and completely accept myself?” )

And I’ll say it again for the thousandth time, NLP doesn’t make us perfect it just gives us more resources so we can grab that precious moment before we slam the “send” button after writing out an angry reply… So after writing my angry reply, I saved the draft and forced myself to focus on something else more positive….

Now, my friend could have expressed his legitimate concerns in another way without having to remember a lot of complicated stuff. He could have used the NLP Feedback Sandwich but he hasn’t come to my Modern Jedi Mind Mastery Training in July so how could he have learned it?…

Here’s a simple solution:

It’s called the NLP Feedback Sandwich.

1. Tell them the positive.
Example: “I really appreciate that you are [positive stuff here]”

2. State the concerns (link #1 and #2 with the word “and” not “but”)

Example: “And I have some concerns/ideas for improvement, [state the concerns, the things that could be improved etc]”

3. Finish with an overall positive statement like “all in all I really appreciate your efforts and your commitment to the project and I know we can work together make this better or to share our mutual excitement about this etc.

so again

POSITIVE statement + FEEDBACK + POSITIVE statement = Person able to hear you and not get defensive.

And as I was thinking about all this in my own context of the moment, I realized that I had to take my own advice and
respond back to him with a feedback sandwich rather than an angry rant.

So here’s my response to my friend.

“Dear __________,

Positive statement:
Thank you so much for honestly sharing your concerns. I always know where I stand with you and that’s refreshing. I know your intention is the highest good of the project…

Feedback statement:
AND, my honest reaction to the way you gave me feedback was one of anger and defensiveness. I reacted really negatively to what I perceived as “being told what to do”.

My knee jerk reaction was to either refuse your request or quit the project altogether. Neither of which is very mature or productive. And neither of which was what you were trying to accomplish. That’s MY honest reaction.

Positive statement:
Again I appreciate your honesty and I apologize if I stepped on your toes in any way with my actions. My intention was to help. I only wanted to share the excitement and wonder I felt at being part of the project we are involved with. I know we’ll look back at this someday and laugh about it.

In the meantime, I know you are under a lot of stress and pressure. And you’ve done an amazing job of pulling all the pieces together for something exquisite and spectacular. What you are doing is really difficult and I’m always happy to hear and address your concerns, particularly knowing you are open to hearing mine.”

So sometimes Modern Jedi NLP Mind mastery is simply about being able to count to 10 and not reply out of an emotional storm. The feedback sandwich is just another tool in the arsenal. I just wish people would use it more with me! Cuz I respond so much better to it than the usual “this is really good but…” )

One of the reasons I used to give in to old patterns of social anxiety and isolate myself was because I hated “feedback” I perceived it as criticism. Couldn’t handle it. In fact you might say I had a “feedback phobia.” So I got really good at self evaluation. I developed the ability to learn on my own.

Even Michael Jordan and Tiger Woods have coaches and had to be able to receive feedback. My own failure or inability to receive the positive benefits of good feedback probably cost me years of wasted time in my businesses.

This is partly why I’ve made such a deep commitment to do my utmost to teach the Modern Jedi NLP Mind Mastery program to as many people as possible in a way that goes beyond all the old patterns and habits of typical feedback. So that the learning experience can be transformational in and of itself. www.ModernJedi.com

Sometimes we have to look at ourselves in the mirror and dare to crack a smile…at our own self importance, egotism and human frailty…

At least YOU should! I’m going out for a walk…

…ALONE ;o)

Mark

p.s. please feel free to click the “comment link” below and join the discussion. Any specific examples in your life of how you deal with feedback or criticism?

p.p.s. Any other NLPers out there who have had experience with the feedback sandwich? Put your two cents in.

Post script: After sending my feedback sandwich to my friend, I got a grateful reply from him admitting that he was under a huge amount of stress and that he really appreciated my caring response. The bottom line is the feedback sandwich enables you to speak your truth and own your own stuff but in a way that enables the other person to hear it. This friend of mine is really important to me and I wanted to preserve our friendship and speak my truth. So try this today!

Check out this extremely important interview I did with Mike Guerin. I know it’s long but the best part is towards the middle and end so I sincerely urge you to watch or listen to the complete interview.

Michael had suffered from severe phone anxiety and agoraphobia for years until he decided to come and work with me 1:1 to clear it. I think we did a total of 3 or maybe 4 NLP sessions which included Time Line Therapy ™ and EFT (emotional freedom technique).

You’ve got to see this video because Mike and I are having so much fun talking about this stuff! It’s kind of hard to imagine this guy ever being terrified of business networking or making sales calls or following up on referrals.

Here’s the audio in case you want to download it to your computer/mp3 player and listen on the move!
(Right click the “download” link and choose “Save As” or “Save Link As”)

For more information about my Clear The Fear Fast programs visit: www.ClearFear.com

If you’re in business and have questions about credit card processing or merchant account issues, check out Michael Guerin’s site: www.AmpYourCashFlow.com

Ready to join the Modern Jed NLP Practitioner Certification training course? It’s better, easier, more convenient, more affordable and more effective than ever before! NLP Trainings